He Said, She Said

Although many differences between males and females are related to environment and culture, researchers are discovering that there are built in differences. God created them male and female. (Gen. 5:1,2)

As he opened the refrigerator door, he said, "Honey, we don’t have any milk." She said, "What do you mean we’re out of milk? I just bought some yesterday. Look, it’s sitting right in front of you." He said, "Oh, I didn’t see it."

He said, "Honey, can you tell me if this shirt matches these pants?" She said, "No, dear, those colors look terrible together. Let me help you."

She said, "I’m freezing. Turn the heat up!" He said, "Are you kidding? It’s 80 degrees in here! Go put on a sweater if you’re cold."

Why do husbands and wives argue over these seemingly minor differences? Are these real issues, or are couples fighting for no reason?

The majority of marital problems center around one fact. Men and women are different! Every cell in a man’s body is different than in a woman’s. This is because of chromosome patterns. The physical, emotional, and mental difference between sexes are so extreme that without a concentrated effort to understand and appreciate them, it is nearly impossible to have a happy marriage. In fact, the success or failure of a marriage can greatly depend on the methods a husband and wife use to handle their differences.

For example, women have a better memory for objects in a given space while men have a difficult time finding things.

Also, men struggle with matching colors while a woman will actually enjoy combining colors. When it comes to couples disagreeing over temperatures, it might be helpful to know that a woman’s basal metabolism is generally lower than a man’s metabolism. This is why women often feel colder than men.

One of the biggest differences between men and women is in the area of meaningful communication and interpersonal relationships. A baby girl begins talking and relating to others as an early age. In contrast, a baby boy often is quieter while spending much of his time making noises that sound like trucks and cars. The average woman speaks 25,000 words a day while the average man speaks 12,500. She wants to communicate feelings beyond the facts because she is more in touch with her emotions, while he is more concerned with the facts. For her, this takes more words and more time. Have you ever thought about how men and women argue through a conflict? In many cases men may use intense logic. He may tell his wife that he wishes he had a jury to decide who is right. Once again, in contrast, a woman feels that her husband has not only ignored her feelings but also the way she has perceived the problem. Women also tend to analyze the problem while men often try to fix the problem.

One of the better approaches is for couples to talk through the issue while taking turns listening to each other’s words, feelings, and perceptions. The best results come about when a couple mutually decides the solution to their problem. But after completely discussing an issue, sometimes couples may have to agree to disagree. This is called coexistence. Despite the potential result of agreeing to disagree, an argument is usually worth one’s time because it communicates to one another that you care.

In the marriage seminar, "Love Takes Time", we teach couples how to communicate through conflict by having the couples do an assignment called the "container exercise". This exercise allows each person to share their feelings without being interrupted. Beyond just finding a solution to a particular problem, most people also want to be heard and understood.

When a wife tells her husband, "You aren’t listening to me, and it seems as if you don’t care how I’m feeling," she could be right. A wise husband takes time with his wife, listening to her logic, feelings, and perceptions on an issue. A wise wife needs to understand that a man is more challenge and conquer oriented, finding his identity through accomplishments.

A man and woman can understand their individual differences by recognizing and studying their own strengths and weaknesses. Together, as man and woman, in God’s plan, our weaknesses have the potential to be strengthened, and our strengths have the potential to become even stronger.